How are you?

I don't like this question, not because I have some problem with revealing my problems to people, but more because these days very few people (including myself on many occasions) actually expect an answer other than "ok", "fine" or "alright". If you're really lucky, you might just get "I'm okay, just working away" or something like that.

As such, because I don't know if the person asking wants a real response (and I would guess they don't on many an occasion. I'm not judging people here, I'm just speaking from experience), I end up giving the non-commital answers, not revealing anything until the conversation gets a bit more involved.


Even when we learn a foreign language, all they tell you how to say is
"Tha mi gu math" "Ca va bien merci" "Sehr gut" "Muy bien" and so on. Non-commital answers, probably confusing Jonny Foreigner into believing that we're all emotionless blockheads.

So it is sometimes surprising when you are having a conversation with somebody, and they initially say they are okay, when in fact the things they are talking about suggest otherwise. This happened to me a while back when I was lunching with a friend. He told me things were okay, so we talked about nonsense for a bit, and I realised that he seemed somewhat distant, so I asked him again if he was alright. He insisted he was fine, so I didn't press the issue.

It turned out that, unless he had a massive coverup, he was simply stressed from work and this has since subsided.

But I still wondered the need to be so defensive and cover it up. As with all things, however, I discovered that I was probably more guilty of this than anyone else. A while ago, I wasn't feeling exactly great and I decided to avoid answering the question all together, by asking another question. Noone really noticed, and it saved me from having to lie to people (NB I may still do this today. This is more out of force of habit than anything else, so don't read into it if I do it. Ask me again if needs be).

I guess it's merely a case of ettiquete, that "how are you" is something you say after "hello" and that "okay" or "fine" is merely a continuation of formalities. How very British is that?! Only someone from these islands would lie (or at the very least, be ambiguous) for the sake of social propriety! I know, in my case, the reason I didn't like to divulge how I was feeling was that it would be an inconvenience to the other person. They expected "fine" so they got "fine". Or at least, that's what I thought.

(I've just remembered actually, the worst answer I gave to "how are you" was "I don't actually know as I'm kind of in walking-home mode". While brilliant in its non-commital-ness, it didn't really help anyone)

Sincerity is hard to find these days, but more people are sincere with this question than you might think. I don't know why, but recently, people have been asking me follow-up questions when I say "fine" or "ok", and I actually find I very much appreciate it, and you know what, it's somewhat therapeutic. Even if you don't go into that much detail.

I recommend trying this, with questions like "good fine or bad fine". Obviously, some people won't budge, but it's worth trying anyway. You might even be surprised.

Anyway this is one of my usual late night ramblings so I should probably make my usual disclaimer that my point may not have been drawn out as much as I'd have liked it to and that it may not be entirely coherent. But at least I'm still feeling okay.